Why?*

                Such a simple question and yet sometimes it is so difficult to answer. I think that humans, as rational beings, are cursed by that tiny little word: why. Ha! That is what I ask myself, why!?  Hundreds of times we face situations in which we desperately need a reason, an explanation, a word that calms our whole being because it is as if we don’t know why certain things happen in this world, we are going to become crazy. However, the ugly truth is that not every question has an answer, or, in other cases, the answer doesn’t fit our logical mind.

                I think I have spent my whole life asking myself and all the forces in the world why. I couldn’t understand why my parents argued every single day and (they) still lived together. I couldn’t understand why my grandpa had to leave when I was so young. Why on earth my brothers had the possibility of playing with him and I didn’t? Why did my favourite dog leave one day without saying goodbye? And why didn’t Santa received my letters? I would always ask for a little house to live with my dog on my house garden, but it never came. I still wonder why. At that time the answers my parents gave me seemed to calm my need of explanations. “Your grandfather had to go because he was too old and maybe he won’t come back.” “The house you are asking for is too big for Santa to bring it on his bag; where would he put all the other presents if he brought yours?” When our abstract thinking is not developed simple explanations seem work perfectly well.

                As adults things are not as simple as that. We don’t let a boyfriend break up with us just because “I don’t feel the same any more”. We dig deeper in the matter we need more, and sometimes we dig so deep that we get answers that are not true. And we keep on asking: “I need to understand why! Are you seeing someone? Did I disappoint you? Did I do something wrong.” And most surely the answer is “no”. But we’ll keep on asking until we get what we want, or, I should say, until we get what goes with the conceptual map we have in our mind. And there comes the lie that is better than not knowing why: “Yes, I’m seeing someone else.” And there you’ve got the question and the answer. So, could it be that those “unanswerable whys” are the ones that have to do with emotions and feelings? That that famous paradox between heart and mind actually exists and will never be solved? I cannot help but wonder what lies behind that need, that urge of knowing why.

                Sometimes we get the answer and it is as if a medicine has been given to us. We relax, we understand better and we continue living without racking our brains to get the answer. I it were maths it would be much simpler! Someone would give us the answer and the problem would be instantly solved, but with these whys it doesn’t generally work. Understand. That is a word closely connected with why. Why? I don’t know!

             *(Written May, 5th 2012 for English Language IV)